We’ve all been there. It’s a Tuesday night. And you can’t find the motivation to do a thing! But one thing is certain: you must eat. Every single day your body, that selfish fiend, does not ask but demands that you feed it more. This leaves you at a crossroads. There are things which are appropriate for eating on Tuesdays, and there are things that are terrible. You have to make the right choice, or your Tuesday will be ruined. Fret not, dear reader. I am here to help you. To save you. I shall rescue you from your culinary woes.
When I was a young child, Tuesday was always the toughest day of the week. Many people say that Wednesday or Monday is the toughest day of the week. These people are fools. To Hell with them. Monday is quite a normal day. The only people who think Monday is the worst day of the week have the mind of a literal house cat. I am speaking, of course, of Garfield. If you haven’t heard, Garfield is the titular protagonist of popular comic strip Garfield. This cat is known for two things: his love of lasagna and his deep, burning hatred of Mondays. This despicable comic strip has perpetuated this silly attitude toward Mondays for decades. Monday is quite a blissful day. In most cultures, Sunday is not the first day of the week. Monday is. Because Monday is the day of refreshment. The last week has ended and a new one has begun. To other, more rational peoples, Monday is a day to be celebrated, not scorned.
Jim Davis has, however, succeeded in his goals. His comic has successfully tarnished the reputation of Monday. This has left us wide open to an unexpected threat: Tuesday.
There is little that can save us from Tuesday. In its position as second day of the week, Tuesday is uniquely positioned to ruin your entire life. Think about it. Monday is great. Monday is where all of the new things you will encounter in the week are set up. It is a day of supreme opportunity. But Tuesday, oh decrepit little tuesday. It does not even deserve to be capitalized like the other, more noble days of the week. Tuesday can take all of your ambitions, all of your new short term goals, and crush them into dust. With no remorse. tuesday is the most cruel of days. It will chew you up and spit you out without hesitation. But, there is one thing you can do to hinder its efforts. You, and only you, can stop tuesday from tearing you to pieces. It all comes down to this: what you have for dinner.
This is the hidden weakness of tuesdays. The secret that the tuesdays don’t want you to know, so to speak. I realized this one day long ago. I was fed up with the hurt tuesdays had inflicted upon me. So I took matters into my own hands. I dug up the secrets of the calendar. I read tomes written before Saturday even existed. I discovered some secrets that were never meant to see the light of day. I will not speak these here, it is not my place. What I can reveal to you now is this: tuesday can be defeated. It is harmed by certain flavors, smells, sensations. However, it is no weakling. In fact, it is cunning. There are things you can create that strengthen it. And the last thing you want to do is strengthen tuesday. During one of my experiments, I made a terrible mistake. I used garlic salt on a tuesday. I didn’t think anything of it. It was an afterthought. And as I finished eating my meal, I heard the doorbell ring. When I opened the door, standing there was a tall man in a blue suit. He raised his hand high and brought it crashing down onto my head. While I was reeling from the blow, he entered my house and stole all of my furniture. All of it. All because of that accursed garlic salt, I was out several thousand dollars on new couches, chairs, tables. From that day forward I knew I had to be careful. Because a normal tuesday can be bad. It can easily hurt you in simple ways. But a strong tuesday, and empowered tuesday, is the bane of a mortal man. So heed my advice, dear reader. Do not test tuesday. Do not sway from this list. Should you ever cook an improper dish on a tuesday, I cannot assure you that you will be safe. There was a tale of a man who, thinking himself stronger than fate, foolishly cooked a feast consisting of only foods unsafe for tuesdays. The biggest weakness of man is hubris. We should like to think of ourselves as gods on this world. But in the eyes of tuesday, there is no God. The things that happened to that man, the tortures that befell him, why it makes me weep to even think of them. Without further ado,
Top 5 BEST Things to Cook on a Tuesday
Grilled Cheese
Grilled cheese is not only tasty, but easy to make! It requires very few ingredients. Just grab two slices of bread, a little bit of butter, and your favorite cheeses. Then you are in business. In just a few minutes, you can whip up a grilled cheese sandwich that will leave you feeling full and content!
Meatloaf
Meatloaf may not be everyone’s style. But it’s a comfort food like no other. A perfect, hearty meal for a tuesday night!
Chocolate Mousse
We can’t leave dessert out of this list! Dinner may be an important meal on tuesdays, but no meal is complete without a sweet treat to seal the deal. Chocolate mousse is one of the most decadent desserts out there. It’s soft, fluffy, and oh so delicious!
Shrimp Cocktail
Appetizers: where would we be without them!? Shrimp cocktail is a perfect way to begin a meal. Or, if you’re like me, you might just grab a few extra shrimp and make a whole meal out of them! Either way, shrimp cocktail is an exceptional dish to prepare on a tuesday evening.
Pasta Primavera
What do I even need to say about pasta primavera? Just look at that beauty. A bounty of vegetables so deliciously blending together. Each bite is an explosion of overlapping flavors. If bliss were a food, this would be it.
Top 5 WORST Things to Cook on a Tuesday
Biscuits
Let’s be honest with ourselves: biscuits are not even that good. At their worst, they are grating on your digestive tract. At their best, consuming them is mildly unpleasant. But on a tuesday, they will cause you much more than momentary discomfort. Stay far away from these!
Red Zinfandel
Admittedly, this item is not a totally correct fit for this list as wine is not something that you cook. But I’m making an exception just this one time. There are so many other win varieties to drink. So on tuesdays, just go for another one. You won’t regret broadening your horizons!
T-Bone Steak
I am not even going to justify this one. Making any kind of steak on a tuesday is weird move, this is known. But a T-bone steak? You’re just asking for trouble.
Apple Pie
It is America’s dessert. And it holds a special place in everyone’s heart. It is regrettable that tuesdays also enjoy this most scrumptious food. If you want to make an apple pie, go for it. More power to you. Just make sure you are not doing it on a tuesday.
Chilean Sea Bass
There is little information I can divulge about the true nature of this specific fish. Under no circumstances should you prepare Chilean Sea Bass on a tuesday. That is all I am at liberty to say.
That’s the list! Hopefully with this newfound knowledge you will be able to conquer each week and make sure no tuesday ever messes with you again.
UPDATE 5/3/21 6:43 PM CDT: Added a missing comma
